Today I noticed on a friends facebook page that her relationship had turned to "complicated" for those of you who are avid Facebooker's you know what that means, for those of you who are not it is just a selection you can put on your profile, such as married, divorced, in a relationship, seeking, or "its complicated".
My first response whenever I see anyone make this selection is......."aren't they all?" Seriously, I really don't know any relationships bad or good that aren't "complicated". Why is this? I think its because they take work, yes I said it that horrible four letter word....WORK! You think your 40hr week job is bad, but you don't stop to think that the multiple relationships you have to juggle, handle, maintain, nourish, etc. outside of work......is REALLY where your WORK begins!!
I wrote a blog-post not too long ago that was titled "where are your investments?" I went on to talk about how your investments should be in your relationships, before in your pocket book, because at the end of the day that is how God will judge us.
This is a hard one for me, because I self-condemn myself a lot in regards to my relationships. I hold very high standards for myself, and seem to always come up short. The bible talks a lot about relationships and how we are supposed to play our roles. Well, in case you were not aware I am divorced........ever read what the bible says about that? Or about the next man who marries me? It can really make you feel rotten. However, I've had to overcome this, or I wouldn't be here writing this right now. I'm being honest that its a day to day battle, but here is how I don't let the enemy win:
1.) I remind myself that the negative feelings I have are not from God they are from the enemy who's only goal is to kill, hurt & destroy.
2.) I remind myself that I am not glorifying God by feeling bad about myself, or feeling poor after reading his word. This is not what God had intended for us at all!
3.) I try to take something positive from it because I know that is what Gods plan for me was. He already knew I'd make bad decisions, he already knew I'd be divorced, but somewhere in that he had a plan for me.
4.) The bible tells us that we should forgive others as our heavenly father forgives us. So I take from that this: If I want to be forgivven for my failed marriage then I must forgive others around me. Maybe resentment from my parents being divorced??? Maybe in current relationships???? Maybe my children???? I'm not sure exactly, but I try to look at every situation from that point of view.
So back to the "complicated" relationships. There is a simple answer to uncomplicate your relationships, its just unfortunate that when you really need to hear it your eyes, ears, emotions, everything is usually shut off. Of course, I'm going to say that the easy answer is God. We are supposed to Love one another as God loves us. Forgive one another as our Father forgives us. Now, does that mean your husband or wife can go out and have an affair, and you are supposed to turn around with a smile on your face, saying "Praise the Lord for this opportunity to forgive you! Hallelujah!!" I think not. In fact I think most of us would want to strangle someone for even suggesting it. However, what does the Lord want......or as the bumper sticker says "What would Jesus do?"
Because I've already heard from 3 people today and its only 1:20 whom are having relationship issues (and I'm not counting my own), I'm going to recommend a book it is called "The Five Languages of Love" I believe Gary Chapman is the author but I may be wrong, however it is highly circulated and you should be able to google it, go to a bookstore, or as I do keep your eye out at the Goodwill and pick it up for pennys on the dollar! This book illustrates in such an easy to read way how we all give and receive LOVE. Obviously, from the title the author has broken it down to 5 different Languages of love. Typically, we marry people who are opposite from us, and mainly thats just due to them being of the opposite sex. :) So naturally when we speak to someone we speak to them in the language we speak (for example, you don't go to Japan and automatically know Japanese, you either learn it, or start talking English in hopes they can speak your language). However, if the person on the receiving end doesn't speak your language, they are only going to communicate to you in THEIR language back. So now you've got someone speaking English, and someone speaking Japanese to each other........a probable outcome would be frustration, wouldn't you say? Wow, and I would bet that this relationship would be deemed "complicated"! See where I'm going here? It is important you learn your loved ones love language and learn how to speak it, when you do you will begin to show them love (such as our father loves us, because he speaks all languages). You cannot give what you cannot receive. So your step #1 is to RECEIVE God's love that he has for you, and feel confident knowing he will always be there. Once you have completed step #1, then start step #2 which is: Learn your loved ones "Love Language", the easiest way to do this is think about how they try to show you their love is it by buying you gifts, spending quality time, doing special things for you like mowing the lawn or doing the dishes????? If you can pin-point something specific you can probably bet that they are doing these things for you to show you they LOVE you because that is their "Love Language" so you then need to "speak back to them in this language" (am I making sense?). Once you get this figured out (and you don't even have to read the whole book, honestly) you will have broken the secret code to having a long-lasting LOVING relationship. I promised myself I wouldn't marry again unless the other person had read this book because it is life changing for me, not in just my intimate relationships but with my children, work associates, friends, etc.
So I'm going to get going, because today is a day I need to invest in my family! :)
With that being said, take a minute out of your day and think about your Love Language, and what your spouse's or partner's may be. Then try out what I said.......I'm going to..........since I vowed to practice what I preach!! Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
Well said Jaime! As someone who got divorced & then got back together after a year, I can be the first to say that it is very complicated & a lot of hard work & tears, but it is so worth it in the end when you see that there is a reason to be together & WORK hard!
ReplyDeleteSmiley.....of course I had you and Chris on my mind while writing this today, and even mentioned you in a personal email I sent. I am not where you guys are but aspire to be, I'm so glad that God put you in my path, because I feel so lucky to have you as a resource and friend! I am so happy for you and Chris and love to see your comments on Facebook, or run in to the two of you in the store, it is apparent that in losing eachother, you found what you needed most......eachother....and God! :) Thanks for your comment!
ReplyDeleteRelationships can be complicated....but I don't think they have to be. I think accepting and loving people for who they are (including yourself) is the key to having an uncomplicated relationship with another person, be it a spouse, parent, child, best friend or co worker. Oftentimes, we put our expectations (conscious and subconscious) on other people's shoulders. We expect them to behave, think, feel a certain way about something. When they don't do as we expect, we get hurt feelings, frustrated, angry, resentful etc. The problem here is not them, but how we react to them. If we are not truely accepting that other person for who they are, we are not going to ever have an uncomplicated relationship. I read the Languages of Love many years ago (when I was in a complicated relationship) and I did get a lot out of it. It didn't help my relationship at the time, but it did impact my way of thinking and definately started the changes in me resulting in my uncomplicated relationship now. There are things about my husband that I don't quite understand emotionally although I do logically (such as not calling the kids like we all talked about...because I just don't get that from an emotional stand point), but I truely accept him for who he is. It really does make it uncomplicated when you can do that. I have applied this concept to my kids and friends as well although I didn't realize that until this very moment.
ReplyDeleteFrom the Bible's perspective, it becomes a little fuzzy to me. I too am divorced, and then widowed, and now happily married. I cohabitated with a man for 5 years with no intention of ever getting married to him because I didn't trust him to take care of my family (financially, spiritually or emotionally). Heaps of "sin" right there. But here is where it gets fuzzy. I prayed and prayed back then, and my answer from God every time was No. I should not get married to that man, but neither did I get the feeling that by living together I was doing the "wrong" thing....it was more like "just wait". It perplexed me for a good long while. While this may not be consistant with the Bible, this is what I figured out. God knew the plan for my life and that I was going to end up here, where He wanted me. Where I was then, was a necessary place for me to be so that I could get here. It served a specific purpose. So if that was all part of God's plan for me, then was it sin? Maybe, maybe not. I honestly don't know but the one thing I do know....I am where God wants me to be now so the past doesn't matter....and along the way, I learned how to accept people for who they are and not put my expectations of who they should be in the way of a good relationship. Oh, and it happens at a different rate for different people in my life. Some people are easy to accept the way they are and with others, I have to make a concious choice to do it, but once that choice is made....it becomes uncomplicated.
Ok, so it was my turn to high jack your blog!! LOL
Randi,
ReplyDeleteIts fine I love to get comments even when people disagree! The whole point of this for me is to grow and learn as a person and enhance my spirituatlity so others offering up their opinions, comments, and encouraging words is an added bonus!
OMG....in regards to the sinning and divorce stuff, and praying and getting mixed messages I can SO RELATE!! I'm there now! I don't think God views co-habitating people as being "married", however in my heart and in front of God I feel that we "are married". We have a child, and made all the commitments just don't have a piece of paper to stick on the wall or in a scrapbook.
In regards to the bible and all of this I can see where you get confused. I'm no biblical scholar so here is just my two sense....Although God knows us and our lives before we are even created, he also knows that we live in a fleshly world where there is an enemy attempting to kill & destroy us at any time, and because we are human and not God, we are going to be tempted (as was Eve with the apple) and we are going to make mistakes. I do not believe God plans for us to make mistakes, just as I don't believe God plans for our loved ones to get cancer or to die in car crashes, etc. But here's how I do feel......I think God creates ways for us to turn our negatives into positives. He starts out by forgiving us for our sins immediately (just ponder on that.....IMMEDIATELY, wouldn't it be nice if everyone were like that). He then puts opportunities in front of us to do the right thing and to get back on "the track" he has created for us. The awesome thing about our God is, is that no matter how far off course you get he will always be there to pick you up, light the path, carry you if need be to get you back to where your going! I don't believe God punishes people (the enemy does that for him, along with our help) but I do believe he rewards us. This comes from my belief that everything and anything POSITIVE comes from the Lord. So even though it may seem to us like we have sinned so much that we are barely even worthy to pray to God, let alone ask a favor......God still rewards us for the pure fact that we acknowledged our problems and made the choice to ask for his help to get back on the right path, and who knows maybe those aren't "rewards" after all.......they are just part of the plan God had for us, but God's timing is inpecable, alive, and always will be, so don't feel bad just rest knowing God already was prepared for the situation way before we even thought of it.
Ok, I hope I'm making sense I haven;t felt good and am falling asleep typing. LOL